Geoff Tibballs - The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 - Little, Brown Book Group

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    • ISBN:9781780335377
    • Publication date:04 Oct 2012
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The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2

By Geoff Tibballs

  • Paperback
  • £10.99

Thousands more jokes in a follow-up to the phenomenal bestseller The Mammoth Book of Jokes.

From the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms.

Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.

Biographical Notes

Geoff Tibballs is the author of the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes and The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes as well as many other books including Business Blunders and Legal Blunders. A former journalist and press officer, he is now a full-time writer who lists his hobbies as sport, eating, drinking, and avoiding housework. He lives in Nottingham, England, with his wife and daughters.

  • Other details

  • ISBN: 9781780334844
  • Publication date: 04 Oct 2012
  • Page count: 608
  • Imprint: Robinson
Hachette Australia

Fatherhood

William McInnes
Authors:
William McInnes

William McInnes, one of Australia's best-known storytellers and actors, has turned to a subject that is close to his heart. Fatherhood is about family, about memories of his father and the memories he's creating as a dad himself, with his own son and daughter.Warm, witty and nostalgic, these tales are just like a friendly chat over the back fence, or the banter of a backyard BBQ. They will stir your own memories: of hot summer days and cooling off under the sprinkler while Dad works in the garden with the radio tuned to the sports results; that time Dad tried to teach you to drive - and then got out of the car and kissed the ground; or taking your own kids on a family road trip.Fatherhood is full of memories: the happy, the hilarious, the sad, bad, and the unexpectedly poignant moments. You will laugh, you may even cry - but you will recognise yourself and those you love somewhere in these pages.

Corsair

The 10 Commandments

Robinson

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd.This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships.Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving.Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

Robinson

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

When we think of the world's great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person's crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world's 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan's Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world's only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great's collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar?Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world's leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.

Robinson

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

Crap Kitchen

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

The worst cookbook ever, packed with truly bizarre and utterly disgusting recipes from all over the worldEver since humankind produced its first foodie, the culinary world has dished up some staggering confections which could best be described as 'acquired tastes': dishes such as Virgin Boy Eggs (eggs soaked in the urine of prepubescent boys); live octopus, which clutches at the diner's tongue and throat as it is swallowed; and Beard Beer, made from the yeast found in facial hair.In northern Greenland, the Inuit are fond of cramming as many as 500 dead auks (small sea birds) into an old seal skin which they place under a large rock until the birds have fermented into what has rightly been described as a 'sticky, pungent, toxic, cheesy gloop'. Kiviak, as it is called, is eaten by biting off the birds' heads and sucking out the juices. The mighty Roman Empire was built on such delicacies as larks' tongues, stuffed thrush, boiled flamingo and grilled cow's womb, while the Tudors loved nothing more than a roast cockenthrice: the head and upper body of a pig carefully stitched onto the lower body and legs of a turkey.Today, for those with an adventurous mindset and a robust life insurance policy, there is no shortage of nauseating local delicacies to enjoy. In China, not only is tuna eyeball on the menu, but also yak penis (served whole). In Vietnam, one can enjoy the still-beating heart of a freshly-killed snake; in Iceland, raw puffin heart. In the Philippines, there is duck embryo to be had - like a Kinder Surprise . . . only containing a dead foetus instead of a toy. In Sardinia, they like nothing more than a nice bit of maggot-infested cheese; and the favourite tipple of Korean foodies is Ttongsul, a wine made from the fermented faeces of a child.Bon appetit!

Constable

The Digested Twenty-first Century

John Crace
Authors:
John Crace

John Crace's Digested Read first appeared in in February 2000 and has been running ever since. Each week Crace reduces a new book - anything from a Booker Prize winner to a Nigella cookery book is fair game - to 700 words in a parody of the plot, style, dialogue and themes. Or lack of them. The Digested Read has not just become an institution for readers; it is read and enjoyed by publishers and authors too. So long as it is not their book being digested. A few years ago Crace wrote Brideshead Abbreviated, A Digested Read of the 20th Century. This is the 21st Century. So far.

Constable

Dear Lumpy

Louise Mortimer
Authors:
Louise Mortimer
Constable

Haggard Hawks and Paltry Poltroons

Paul Anthony Jones
Authors:
Paul Anthony Jones
Sphere

Very British Problems

Rob Temple
Authors:
Rob Temple
Robinson

The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Constable

EUrrgh!

Mark Leigh
Authors:
Mark Leigh
Constable

Saucy Postcards: The Bamforth Collection

Marcus Hearn
Authors:
Marcus Hearn
Constable

The Art of Sledging

J Harold
Authors:
J Harold

In these days of cricketing correctness, where codes of behaviour are being handed down by the Cricket Police, here is a salute to the good old days when games were won and lost by whatever means available.With a great one-liner on every page, this is a collection of crude, rude, famous and infamous sledges all placed within the context of the match and the rivalries on and off the pitch.Including:Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick: "Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side."Lillie to Gatting: "Hell, Gatt, move out of the way I can't see the stumps."Woodfull to Jardine: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"Warne to Cullinan: "I've been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate you." Cullinan replies: "Looks like you spent it eating."The most pathetic sledge of all time from present England Captain Kevin Petersen to Chris Gayle: "You're making me cross. You're making me cross. You're making me cross."Possibly the rudest of them all, Mark Waugh to Adam Parore: "Oh, I remember you from a couple of years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're f**king useless now." Parore replies: "Yeah that's me and when I was there you were going out with the old, ugly slut and now I hear you married her. You dumb c**t."Even teammates have been known to sledge one another, Brian Close to Geoffrey Boycott: "Next bloody ball, bloody belt it or I'll wrap my bat around your bloody head."And the crowd is not adverse to hurling abuse either "Hey Tuffnell, lend us your brain we are building an idiot!"

Constable

More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

Jen Campbell
Authors:
Jen Campbell

Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops was a Sunday Times bestseller, and could be found displayed on bookshop counters up and down the country. The response to the book from booksellers all over the world has been one of heartfelt agreement: it would appear that customers are saying bizarre things all over the place - from asking for books with photographs of Jesus in them, to hunting for the best horse owner's manual that has a detailed chapter on unicorns.Customer: I had such a crush on Captain Hook when I was younger. Do you think this means I have unresolved issues?More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops has yet more tales from the antiquarian bookshop where Jen Campbell works, and includes a selection of 'Weird Things...' sent in from other booksellers across the world. The book is illustrated by the BAFTA winning Brothers McLeod.

Constable

Why Would Anyone Want to Swing a Cat?

Andy Simpson
Authors:
Andy Simpson

Why is bureaucracy known as red, not yellow or blue tape?What is haywire and why do we go it?Why is a yawn infection?Who was Parker and why is he so Nosy?These are just some of the burning issues that have been exercising the minds of Daily Mail readers in recent years, and 1001 of the most entertaining have been reproduced in this bumper collection.Not all of the questions featured will have been nagging away at you for years - the scrap metal value of the Eiffel Tower, for example; and some of the answers throw up intriguing alternatives (does the expression "peg out" have its origins in the game of cribbage or in grave digging practices?); but for those who are inveterate devourers of trivia teasers and fascinating facts, The Daily Mail's Answers to Correspondents is a veritable feast.

Corsair

The Return of Hyman Kaplan

Leo Rosten
Authors:
Leo Rosten
Yen Press

Chocolat: Vol. 8

Ji-Sang Shin, Geo
Contributors:
Ji-Sang Shin, Geo