Assume the Worst
By Carl Hiaasen
This is the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it."This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning."So begins Carl Hiaasen's attempt to prepare young men and women for their future. And who better to warn them about their precarious paths forward than Carl Hiaasen? The answer, after reading Assume the Worst, is: nobody.Illustrated by bestselling author/illustrator and National Book Award winner Roz Chast, this book is bound to be a classic, sold year after year come graduation time. Although it's also a good gift for anyone starting a job, getting married, or recently released from prison. Because it is not just funny. It is, in its own Hiaasen way, extremely wise and even hopeful. Well, it might not be full of hope, but there are certainly enough slivers of the stuff in there to more than keep us all going.
Alien: Hissing Xenomorph and Illustrated Book
By Robb Pearlman
Based on the sci-fi horror blockbuster Alien franchise, this one-of-a-kind kit features a Xenomorph bust figure with pop-out inner mandible head and hissing sound at the push of a button, a must-have collectible for fans of the cult series. Also included is a 48-page book featuring quotes and full-color photos from the original 1979 Alien filmKit includes:* Xenomorph bust figure with pop-out inner mandible head. Includes hissing sound at the push of a button.* 48-page book featuring quotes and full-color photos from the original 1979 Alien film
Anything to Declare?
By Jon Frost
In more than twenty years, Jon Frost has worked with the mad, the bad, the brave, the stupid, the spectacular and the heroic. In his time as a uniformed officer Jon seized presidential aircraft, a working tank, cars, lorries, boats and coffins; and uncovered wild animals, killer snakes, bush meat, animal porn, poisonous vodka, dodgy medicine, bootleg prescriptions, pirated pills, toxic alcohol, firearms, side-arms, swords, explosives, stolen gold, dirty money, blood diamonds, child pornography and every drug known to man and a few as yet unknown ones. And the dead? He searched them too.When you've confiscated everything from a suitcase full human hair to a live monkey hidden in the lining of someone's overcoat, you know you can never return to a normal line of work.But then Jon went into undercover customs work, and things became really interesting . . .
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
By Chelsea Handler
When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power,vodka. This mini edition abridgement of her bestselling book, Chelsea mines her past for stories that are outrageous and one of a kind. Whether she is convincing her third-grade class that she's play Goldie Hawn's daughter in an upcoming film or pretending to honeymoon with her father to get an upgrade to first class, Chelsea has a knack for getting herself into outrageous situations.
By Martyn Brunt
Having spent 10 years scaling the lower echelons of the sport, the time has come for one of Britain's least successful athletes to reveal all about how he got involved in all this nonsense in the first place. Marvel as he reveals: His sporting history - how being last pick at school football in the 1970s set him on course for a lifetime of being rubbish at team games. How he took up triathlons in the first place (for a bet, and the cow who made it with him never paid up). How he overcame a crippling lack of talent and a chorus of complete indifference from his family to complete 10 Ironmans, all outside the top 500 finishers. The many triathlon adventures he has experienced over the past 10 years (cow pats, Ironmans, incontinence, driving bans, broken bones, public nudity, spending entire redundancy payments on a new bike, Belgian portaloos, German knocking shops, sunburnt arse cheeks, channel swimming, fights with chavs, obsessions with weather and the nutritional value of Jaffa Cakes, 3 hour marathons, chronic dehydration and so on). The many and varied idiots he's got to know as a result of taking up the sport (aka his mates). The typical training (hell) he goes through to take part in a race given he has absolutely no ability whatsoever. How triathlons ultimately caused him to sell his Mercedes, give away his expensive suit, chuck in his job in the City and become, as his father put it, a "god-damned hippy" (A cycle path designer who owns a camper van).
The Art of Sledging
By J Harold
In these days of cricketing correctness, where codes of behaviour are being handed down by the Cricket Police, here is a salute to the good old days when games were won and lost by whatever means available.With a great one-liner on every page, this is a collection of crude, rude, famous and infamous sledges all placed within the context of the match and the rivalries on and off the pitch.Including:Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick: "Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side."Lillie to Gatting: "Hell, Gatt, move out of the way I can't see the stumps."Woodfull to Jardine: "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?"Warne to Cullinan: "I've been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate you." Cullinan replies: "Looks like you spent it eating."The most pathetic sledge of all time from present England Captain Kevin Petersen to Chris Gayle: "You're making me cross. You're making me cross. You're making me cross."Possibly the rudest of them all, Mark Waugh to Adam Parore: "Oh, I remember you from a couple of years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're f**king useless now." Parore replies: "Yeah that's me and when I was there you were going out with the old, ugly slut and now I hear you married her. You dumb c**t."Even teammates have been known to sledge one another, Brian Close to Geoffrey Boycott: "Next bloody ball, bloody belt it or I'll wrap my bat around your bloody head."And the crowd is not adverse to hurling abuse either "Hey Tuffnell, lend us your brain we are building an idiot!"
By Harry Holland, Oliver Scheidt
Forget the crystal ball - predicting the future is all about the toilet bowl. 'Arsetrology' is a groundbreaking new book which uncovers the hidden depths of your number twos, using the ancient art of poo-reading. If horoscopes and palm-reading are driving you round the u-bend, then panic no more. Sit down, relax, do your thing - and then proudly gaze upon what you have produced to discover what the future has in store. Examine the shape, look and texture of your crap - and then match it up to one of the 'poo runes' to read the long and short of what your shit means.'Arsetrology' will be your indispensable guide to dropping the kids off at the pool. Put it by your throne, and refer to it every time you get the call of nature, to stay one step ahead of the game. Understand your life through the lav, and never underestimate the turd's telling powers again.
The Art Of Zombie Warfare
By Scott Kenemore
This manual provides a review of the tactical combat advantages enjoyed by zombies and gives the reader a step-by-step guide to adopting them for him or herself.Have you wondered where the great military leaders of modern history have found their collective inspirations? Well look no further. It is the walking dead upon whom the most important tactical infantry innovations of the last three hundred years have been based. Do you dream of becoming a soldier who fights with the efficacy and skill of a zombie? Are you a general or commander seeking to imbue your troops with the ruthless, soulless killing-efficiency of an animated corpse? Are you a voodoo priest or wizard desiring to raise an actual army of zombies to help you conquer the land and install yourself as ruler? Then, friend, this is the book for you. With this book, you will learn how to fight without weapons, communicate wordlessly, and enjoy the multifarious battlefield-strategy benefits that come with always just walking straight at the enemy. Written by the author of The Zen of Zombie and Z.E.O., The Art of Zombie Warfare is the most authoritative tome available today on the subject of zombie combat.
The A-Z Of Being Single
By Jeff Green
Ah, the single life. The blind dates, the guiltless sleeping in the starfish position, the 'table for one in a draught, please'. In his hilarious new book, Jeff Green offers practical advice on how to find love, or failing that how to pretend you've got a significant other half. For women: Leave the fridge door open for no reason. For men: Wash your towels. And if you've just been dumped, Jeff shows how you can reach 'closure', otherwise known as uncompromising REVENGE. Also includes:** Great chat-up lines for the older lover: 'Did you break a hip when you fell from heaven?' ** Beauty tips for dates: How to look twenty years younger? Stand further away ** Things not to say on a first date: Would you like to see my shrine to the others? ** And at last, the truth about what women really want*If you're in a couple, this book will remind you why your own situation is - just about - worth tolerating. And if you're happily single, follow Jeff's advice and you're guaranteed to stay that way... * everything