Geoff Tibballs - The Mammoth Book of Weird News - Little, Brown Book Group

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    • ISBN:9781845299347
    • Publication date:03 Nov 2011
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The Mammoth Book of Weird News

By Geoff Tibballs

  • E-Book
  • £P.O.R.

A bumper collection of the most outrageous, but absolutely true, news stories.

A humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.

Biographical Notes

Geoff Tibballs is the author of the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes and The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes as well as many other books including Business Blunders and Legal Blunders. A former journalist and press officer, he is now a full-time writer who lists his hobbies as sport, eating, drinking, and avoiding housework. He lives in Nottingham, England, with his wife and daughters.

  • Other details

  • ISBN: 9781849019590
  • Publication date: 03 Nov 2011
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  • Imprint: Robinson
Robinson

The Curious Cures Of Old England

Nigel Cawthorne
Authors:
Nigel Cawthorne
Robinson

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

Stocking a garden with plants can be an expensive business, so there are few things more frustrating than when the prized specimen for which you have paid a king's ransom either online or at a garden centre shrivels up and dies within a year or so of purchase. If you can prove that the plant was half-dead when it arrived, you may able to obtain a refund from some online retailers, but for the most part you have to put it down to experience and make a firm mental note not to buy fussy plants in future.The problem is that many websites and catalogues claim that everything they stock is easy to grow. Herbaceous perennials are a particular minefield. Too often you are told that a certain plant 'will come back year after year' without fail when in reality it is either so tender that the only chance of it surviving an average British winter is in a greenhouse or it is a short-lived perennial that is unlikely to flourish beyond two years anyway - and even then only if the local slugs and snails are on a diet. This book cuts through the horticultural sales pitches by listing 100 plants which, for little care beyond the essential watering at planting time, can reliably be expected to thrive in just about any garden. These plants are all but indestructible - pests give them a wide berth, they will prosper in any reasonable garden soil and will withstand anything that the UK climate throws at them. Divided into sections for shrubs, conifers, climbers, perennials, grasses, annuals, alpines and bulbs and with each entry having a Value For Money (VFM) rating out of 10, this easy-to-use guide will prove invaluable not only for the new gardener but also for old hands who are fed up with wasting time and money on plants that all too rapidly lose the will to live. With these suggestions, you can be assured of year-round colour and interest in your garden for the minimum of effort.

Grand Central Publishing

Suck Less

Willam Belli
Authors:
Willam Belli
Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Hachette Audio

Meet David Sedaris: Series Five

David Sedaris
Authors:
David Sedaris

David Sedaris's remarkable ability to uncover the hilarious absurdity teeming just below the surface of everyday life is surpassed only by his ability to make his stories even more hilarious when he reads them aloud. This is the complete recording of Meet David Sedaris Series Five, for Radio 4, and he reads essays from several of his books as well as many brand new diary pieces and extras. The full listing is: Episode 1 The Understudy; Big BoyEpisode 2 Stepping Out; The Vigilant RabbitEpisode 3 LeviathanEpisode 4 Little Guy, The Ones That Got Away, Now Hiring Friendly PeopleEpisode 5 Calypso; Follow MeEpisode 6 Loggerheads

Robinson

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word 'la' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark's Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say 'cut' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey.This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

Robinson

Crap Kitchen

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Piatkus

The Strange Laws Of Old England

Nigel Cawthorne
Authors:
Nigel Cawthorne

Did you know that: It's against the law to check into a hotel in London under assumed names for the purpose of lovemaking? Under a statute of Edwards II all whales washed up on the shore belong to the monarch? Under a Tudor law Welshmen are not allowed into the city of Chester after dark?In THE STRANGE LAWS OF OLD ENGLAND, Nigel Cawthorne unearths an extraordinary collection of the most bizarre and arcane laws that have been enacted over the centuries. Some of the laws, incredibly, are still in force. It is still illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour . . . This elegant and amusing book is perfect for everyone fascinated by the eccentric history of these islands.

Constable

Mr Key's Shorter Potted Brief, Brief Lives

Frank Key
Authors:
Frank Key

Wesley, Samuel (British clergyman and poet, 1662 - 1735). On Christmas Day 1716, Wesley was haunted by an apparition of a badger with no head. It was called Jeffrey.Frank writes: "It occurred to me that it would be a good idea to write a modern, updated version of John Aubrey's Brief Lives. But it further occurred to me that some books are unimproveable, and that in trying to follow in Aubrey's footsteps I would embarrass myself and become the butt of ridicule. The idea continued to nag at me, however, and eventually I decided the solution was to outdo Aubrey in brevity. My own Brief Lives would consist of a single, unadorned fact about each of my subjects. So the reader may not learn very much about the life of X or Y or Z, but they would be armed with one little nugget which might come in handy to chuck into a lull during the conversation at the kind of swish sophisticated cocktail party to which they no doubt get invited."Other entries include: Gibson, Willie (Irish, 2nd Baron Ashbourne, 1868 - 1942). An enthusiastic Gaelic nationalist, Gibson was rumoured to keep a tortoise in his sporran. Harmsworth, Alfred, Lord Northcliffe (British newspaper magnate, 1865 - 1922). One day at a seaside resort, Northcliffe wantonly struck down a seagull with his stick and beat it to death on the sand. Jansson, Tove (Finnish writer and illustrator, 1914 - 2001). When staying at her Finnish island retreat, it was Tove Jansson's practice to get out of bed at four o' clock in the morning and stand stock still, pretending to be a tree, while a squirrel ran up and down her frozen limbs. Lennon, John (British musician, 1940 - 1980). According to Bernard Levin (q.v.), "there is nothing wrong with John Lennon that could not be cured by standing him upside down and shaking him gently until whatever is inside his head falls out". Stein, Gertrude (American writer, 1874 - 1946). Stein liked to write while looking at cows. She and Alice B Toklas would drive around until they found a suitable spot, then Stein would sit on a campstool armed with pad and pencil, while Toklas coaxed a cow into her line of vision.Nixon, Richard Milhous (American politician and Potus, 1913 - 1994) Nixon's favourite pastime was mashing potatoes.Schubert, Franz (Austrian composer, 1797 - 1828). Upon his deathbed, Schubert's final wish was that someone would bring him some books by James Fenimore Cooper.Tippett, Michael (British composer, 1905 - 1998). Tippett called the refrigerator in his kitchen "Bernard Levin".Anderson, John Henry (British magician, 1814 - 1874). The first magician to pull a rabbit out of a hat, Anderson also did a trick which he described as "a Grand Ambidexterological Illusion with 12 Handkerchiefs, into which will be introduced the Enchanted Loaf and Learned Bottle, the Animated Orange and the Invisible Pigeon".Brooke, Charles (British, Rajah of Sarawak, 1829 - 1917). An austere character, Brooke deemed jam "effeminate" and replaced his glass eye with one taken from a stuffed albatross.Callaghan, James (British politician and Prime Minister, 1912 - 2005). When Tom Driberg married Ena Binfield in 1951, Callaghan gave them as a wedding present four ashtrays, two of which were broken.Russell, Ken (British film director, 1927 - 2011). According to Glenda Jackson, the only direction Russell ever gave to his actors was to say "It needs to be a bit more . urrrgh", or "a bit less hmmm".

Virago

What Treasure Did Next

Michele Hanson, Christine Roche
Contributors:
Michele Hanson, Christine Roche
Sphere

Very British Problems

Rob Temple
Authors:
Rob Temple

There's an epidemic sweeping the nationSymptoms include:*Acute embarrassment at the mere notion of 'making a fuss'*Extreme awkwardness when faced with any social greeting beyond a brisk handshake *An unhealthy preoccupation with meteorology Doctors have also reported several cases of unnecessary apologising, an obsessive interest in correct queuing etiquette and dramatic sighing in the presence of loud teenagers on public transport. If you have experienced any of these symptoms, you may be suffering from VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS.VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS are highly contagious. There is no known cure.Rob Temple's hilarious new book reveals all the ways in which we are a nation of socially awkward but well-meaning oddballs, struggling to make it through every day without apologising to an inanimate object. Take comfort in misfortunes of others. You are not alone.

Corsair

Carsick

John Waters
Authors:
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Corsair

Role Models

John Waters
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John Waters
Abacus

The Prime Minister's Ironing Board and Other State Secrets

Adam Macqueen
Authors:
Adam Macqueen

Stored in Whitehall's archives are everything from blood-chilling warnings of imminent nuclear attack to comical details of daily life in the corridors of power. Concerned notes from ministers on the subject of the Heir to the Throne's potential brainwashing by Welsh terrorists are shelved alongside worries about housemaids 'on the wobble' at Chequers.Detailed and surprising plans for royal funerals sit beside reports on suspected spies in the showbiz world and bawdy poetry about the monkeys on the Rock of Gibraltar. And Mary Whitehouse's complaints about the sex education syllabus nestle next to thank-you notes from prisoner 13260/62, also known as Nelson Mandela.Adam Macqueen, author of the highly acclaimed bestseller Private Eye: The First 50 Years, has searched high and low to present us with some of the most unlikely revelations since the Official secrets act was inaugurated one hundred years ago. Not only about Mrs Thatcher's ironing board, but Ted Heath's car, Harold Macmillan's bedroom carpet, Imelda Marcos and her son Bong Bong's trip to Buckingham Palace and President Eisenhower's particular problem with Winston Churchill's trousers.

Constable

50 People Who Screwed Up Scotland

Allan Brown
Authors:
Allan Brown

To be Scottish is to have a lot to live down, and as Allan Brown shows, this lot do the job superbly. Whether it be Robert Burns, indecipherable bard of rustic gibberish or Sean Connery, die-hard advocate of a country he refuses to live in.Or, Alex Salmond, the chortling bullfrog of separatism or Tommy Sheridan, the sexy socialist hardliner. They're all here, and many others; a veritable embassy of bad ambassadors.50 People Who Screwed Up Scotland is a humorous and chronologically-sequential series of essays, histories and anecdotes that consider those episodes and occurrences in Scotland's political, cultural and social story where, against all odds, defeat was plucked from the jaws of victory.

Sphere

The Married Kama Sutra

Simon Rich, Farley Katz
Authors:
Simon Rich, Farley Katz

For centuries, lovers have found inspiration and advice in the ancient text of the Kama Sutra. Now, Simon Rich - 'one of the funniest writers in America' (The Daily Beast) - and Farley Katz have unearthed a valuable new document - a guide to the positions most common after marriage. From 'the interrupted congress' to 'the beaching of the whales', here are the poses, positions and games married lovers play to keep the spark alive - and the dishwasher properly loaded. Complete with illustrations in the style of the original Kama Sutra, but with modern, domestic accoutrements: dirty nappies, TV remotes, and wine glasses aplenty.

Hachette Australia

Things Bogans Like

E. Chas McSween, Enron Hubbard, Flash Johnson, Hunter McKenzie-Smythe, Intravenus Demilo, Michael Jayfox
Authors:
E. Chas McSween, Enron Hubbard, Flash Johnson, Hunter McKenzie-Smythe, Intravenus Demilo, Michael Jayfox

The word bogan has a bad rap; first impressions are still associated with flannelette, VB, utes and mullets. But this would be wrong. The bogan has advanced and needs new explanation, evolution has cursed (or blessed, depending on your thinking) us with a modern version. The bogan with money. The bogan with aspirations. The bogan with Ed Hardy t-shirts. The new bogan will not rest until it owns a plasma TV so large that Rove McManus becomes six feet tall for the first time. Today's bogan defies income, class, race, creed, gender, religion and logic. Now the bogan is defined by what it does, what it says and, most importantly, what it buys. Those who choose to deny the bogan on the basis of their stockbroking career or their massive trust fund choose not to see the real bogan. Many bogans are affluent and perhaps are working in that same stockbroking firm and sharing a Corona with you over Friday night drinks. They set themselves apart by their efforts to stand out by conforming as furiously, and conspicuously, as possible.

Sphere

Buster's Diaries

Roy Hattersley
Authors:
Roy Hattersley