Geoff Tibballs - The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes - Little, Brown Book Group

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    • ISBN:9781472139467
    • Publication date:15 Nov 2017

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes

Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up

By Geoff Tibballs

  • Paperback
  • £9.99

A side-splitting compendium of over 3,500 gems of recent wit, wisdom, one-liners and wisecracks.

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need.

Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more.

Never be stuck for a good line again!

'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien

'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

Biographical Notes

Geoff Tibballs is a former sports journalist and author of over 100 books.

  • Other details

  • ISBN: 9781472139450
  • Publication date: 15 Nov 2017
  • Page count: 464
  • Imprint: Robinson
Hachette Australia

Fatherhood

William McInnes
Authors:
William McInnes
Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd.This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships.Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving.Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

Robinson

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

When we think of the world's great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person's crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world's 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan's Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world's only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great's collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar?Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world's leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.

Robinson

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

Crap Kitchen

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

The worst cookbook ever, packed with truly bizarre and utterly disgusting recipes from all over the worldEver since humankind produced its first foodie, the culinary world has dished up some staggering confections which could best be described as 'acquired tastes': dishes such as Virgin Boy Eggs (eggs soaked in the urine of prepubescent boys); live octopus, which clutches at the diner's tongue and throat as it is swallowed; and Beard Beer, made from the yeast found in facial hair.In northern Greenland, the Inuit are fond of cramming as many as 500 dead auks (small sea birds) into an old seal skin which they place under a large rock until the birds have fermented into what has rightly been described as a 'sticky, pungent, toxic, cheesy gloop'. Kiviak, as it is called, is eaten by biting off the birds' heads and sucking out the juices. The mighty Roman Empire was built on such delicacies as larks' tongues, stuffed thrush, boiled flamingo and grilled cow's womb, while the Tudors loved nothing more than a roast cockenthrice: the head and upper body of a pig carefully stitched onto the lower body and legs of a turkey.Today, for those with an adventurous mindset and a robust life insurance policy, there is no shortage of nauseating local delicacies to enjoy. In China, not only is tuna eyeball on the menu, but also yak penis (served whole). In Vietnam, one can enjoy the still-beating heart of a freshly-killed snake; in Iceland, raw puffin heart. In the Philippines, there is duck embryo to be had - like a Kinder Surprise . . . only containing a dead foetus instead of a toy. In Sardinia, they like nothing more than a nice bit of maggot-infested cheese; and the favourite tipple of Korean foodies is Ttongsul, a wine made from the fermented faeces of a child.Bon appetit!

Robinson

The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

Funny, fearless and absolutely filthy-nearly 3,000 more uncensored, dirty, sick, and deeply politically incorrect jokes, covering just about every topic imaginable, from adultery to (sex in) Zoos, including an assortment of bad taste lists. A worthy, all-new follow-on to the first bestselling volume.

Yen Press

Chocolat: Vol. 8

Ji-Sang Shin, Geo
Contributors:
Ji-Sang Shin, Geo

Kum-Ji takes pity on E-Soh and tells him where her heart truly lies. But speaking candidly with E-Soh doesn't automatically give her an opening to grow closer to E-Wan. Just when she decides that it's time for her to stop clinging to her fantasies and come back to reality, the band gets in a terrible accident. Some of the members are hurt badly, and there are fears that the band may not be able to carry on . . . Kum-Ji wants desperately to help her friends, but what can one girl do?! Find out in the long awaited conclusion of Chocolat!

Robinson

The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

The Mammoth Book of One-Liners

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'

Robinson

Voices from the Titanic

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Robinson

The Mammoth Book of Weird News

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

A humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.

Virago

Mrs Cameron's Diary

Catherine Bennett
Authors:
Catherine Bennett

Dave's mobile went - poor Cleggsy, wanting to know what the Queen was like. "Incredibly nervous," Dave said. "But Sam soon put her at her ease."'We have heard, it seems, every opinion on the rise of the coalition save one: that of the new Prime Minister's wife, Samantha. Star journalist Catherine Bennett has stepped in to give us a glimpse of Sam Cam's first year in Downing Street. What to do about Cherie's nightmare granite'n'pine kitchen? How can Dave's rationingy-austerity-depressiony vibe be harnessed for the luxury goods market? Is there a polite strategy for avoiding Miriam Clegg's bookclub?

Robinson

The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.

Constable

The Bumper Book of Slightly Forgotten but Nevertheless Still Great British Olympians and Other Sporting Heroes

Simon Bullivant
Authors:
Simon Bullivant
Constable

The Gentleman's Instant Genius Guide

Tom Cutler
Authors:
Tom Cutler

Who has time nowadays to put in the graft to succeed? And why bother, when the truly important things in life only take a quarter of an hour to master?Here, Tom Cutler proves that following the path to becoming disgustingly rich, stylish, intelligent, thin, happy, classy, successful and a legend in the bedroom need take no longer than it does to cut your toenails, or listen to The Archers. Learn how to become as popular as your dog.Which sports car suits your personality?How to work out the date of your death.Are you a genius? With Tom Cutler's help you will soon find inner perfection and hugely impress your family, friends and work colleagues. From the author of the brilliant A Gentleman's Bedside Book, this is a hilariously funny but deeply practical guide to self-improvement.

Magpie

The Ultimate Book of Insults

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

A brilliant collection of insults and sharp retorts for every situation. Includes studied insults, wry putdowns, literary, political, and dramatic rebukes, playground insults, barbs and jibes. The perfect resource for responding to life's slings and arrows with humour and satisfying venom.

Virago

Age Of Dissent

Michele Hanson
Authors:
Michele Hanson

What does it feel like to be middle-aged? Twenty-seven in your own head, sixty-five in the mirror, ninety to your children and your mother still thinks you're twelve.Who is the chief dissenter among the three tall women who live noisily together under one roof: opinionated daughter, very opinionated elderly mother, or the poor beleaguered woman in between? Here in the middle we must carry on being reasonable, the cart horses of society, while everyone else the young and the old run amok. My mother grumps about in the garden, my daughter sobs upstairs. I find on these occasions I tend to play football with the dog. When one lives in a rather dramatic household, empty nest syndrome seems a delightful prospect . Known for her Treasure: The Teenage Terror books, Michele Hanson now collects her Age of Dissent Guardian columns. The middle-aged female has come of age. Watch out.

Sphere

The Best Of Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?

Steve Lowe, Alan McArthur
Authors:
Steve Lowe, Alan McArthur
Robinson

The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs