Geoff Tibballs - The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes - Little, Brown Book Group

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    • ISBN:9781472139467
    • Publication date:15 Nov 2017

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes

Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up

By Geoff Tibballs

  • Paperback
  • £9.99

A side-splitting compendium of over 3,500 gems of recent wit, wisdom, one-liners and wisecracks.

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need.

Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more.

Never be stuck for a good line again!

'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien

'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

Biographical Notes

Geoff Tibballs is a former sports journalist and author of over 100 books.

  • Other details

  • ISBN: 9781472139450
  • Publication date: 15 Nov 2017
  • Page count: 464
  • Imprint: Robinson
Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd.This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships.Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving.Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

Little, Brown

The Old Man and the Knee

Christopher Matthew
Authors:
Christopher Matthew

Although in his seventies, Christopher Matthew is convinced he is not yet old. No one one has ever stood up for him on a crowded bus or tube. He plays golf and walks the dog. He has all his own teeth, hair, and does not require a hearing aid. He is, in short, enjoying late middle age and is making the best of it while he still can. 'I know it can't last for ever, but while it does, it gives me the chance to look at life in the last lane, as I am now experiencing it, and to consider what might be to come.' Subjects range from what's the point of a grandparent; the perils and pleasures of replacing one's partner with a younger model; and acquiring new interests and hobbies (bridge? ocean cruising? ballet? marathon running?) to the arrival of old age and the last leg of all. How do we know when we are old? Does old age creep up slowly or arrive out of the blue? Will we be able to summon up some half-decent last words and what should they be? Witty, like Oscar Wilde's about the wallpaper, or helpful like the 1st Lord Grimthorpe's 'We are low on marmalade'?

Little, Brown Young Readers US

The Star Thief

Lindsey Becker
Authors:
Lindsey Becker

Honorine's life as as maid at the Vidalia mansion is rather dull, dusting treasures from faraway places and daydreaming in front of maps of the world. But everything changes when she catches two brutish sailors ransacking Lord Vidalia's study, and then follows a mysterious girl with wings out into the night....Suddenly, Honorine is whisked into the middle of a battle between the crew of a spectacular steamship and a band of mythical constellations. The stars in the sky have come to life to defend themselves against those who want to harness their powers. Much to her surprise, Honorine is the crux of it all, the center of an epic clash between magic and science, the old ways and the new. But can this spirited young girl bring both sides of a larger-than-life fight together before they unleash an evil power even older than the stars?

Robinson

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Orbit

Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel

Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor
Authors:
Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor

A Waterstones Paperback of the Year and New York Times BestsellerBased on the no. 1 PodcastWELCOME TO NIGHT VALE . . . a friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while its citizens pretend to sleep. It's a town like your town, with a city hall, a bowling alley, a diner, and a radio station reporting all the news that's allowed to be heard. It might be more like your town than you'd like to admit.In this ordinary town where ghosts, aliens and government conspiracies are parts of everyday life, the lives of two women, with two mysteries, are about to converge.From the creators of the wildly popular Welcome to Night Vale podcast comes an original mystery of appearances and disappearances about the ways we all struggle to find ourselves, no matter where we live.

Robinson

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Forever

Change of Heart

Nicole Jacquelyn
Authors:
Nicole Jacquelyn
Moon Travel

Moon Coastal California (5th ed)

Stuart Thornton
Authors:
Stuart Thornton
Robinson

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs

For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word 'la' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark's Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say 'cut' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey.This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

Abacus

The Savage Wars Of Peace

Charles Allen
Authors:
Charles Allen

Since the Second World War the British Army has been engaged in armed conflicts around the globe in every year except 1968. Some have been full-scale military campaigns, but most have been undeclared wars, fought out in such widely differing theatres as Malaya, Kenya, Cyprus, Brunei, Borneo, Aden, Oman and Northern Ireland.The Savage Wars of Peace is the fighting soldiers' view of these campaigns, recounted in their own words to oral historian Charles Allen, chronicler of such classics as Plain Tales from the Raj and Tales from the South China Seas. Drawing on the spoken recollections of over seventy military figures of all ranks, Charles Allen has assembled a rich kaleidoscope of images of warfare as experienced by those at the sharp end.Letting the soldiers speak for themselves, with extraordinary and sometimes very moving candour, these unique first-hand accounts give a rare insight into Britain's modern 'peacetime' army - the changes it has undergone since 1945, and the bonds that unite fighting men.

Robinson

Crap Kitchen

Geoff Tibballs
Authors:
Geoff Tibballs
Virago

Don't Look Now And Other Stories

Daphne Du Maurier
Authors:
Daphne Du Maurier

John and Laura have come to Venice to try and escape the pain of their young daughter's death. But when they encounter two old women who claim to have second sight, they find that instead of laying their ghosts to rest they become caught up in a train of increasingly strange and violent events.The four other haunting, evocative stories in this volume also explore deep fears and longings, secrets and desires: a lonely teacher who investigates a mysterious American couple, a young woman confronting her father's past, a party of pilgrims who meet disaster in Jerusalem and a scientist who harnesses the power of the mind to chilling effect.

Little, Brown Young Readers US

Seven Wild Sisters

Charles de Lint, Charles Vess
Contributors:
Charles de Lint, Charles Vess

This full-colour, illustrated companion novel to The Cats of Tanglewood Forest from two masters of modern fantasy is a captivating adventure about magic, family, and the power in believing in both. When it comes to fairies, Sarah Jane Dillard must be careful what she wishes for. She may have thought she wanted to meet the fairies of the Tanglewood Forest, but that was before she knew the truth about them. When Sarah Jane discovers a tiny man wounded by a cluster of miniature poison arrows, she brings him to the reclusive Aunt Lillian for help. But the two quickly find themselves ensnared in a longtime war between rival fairy clans, and Sarah Jane's six sisters have been kidnapped to use as ransom. Her only choice is to go after them, and with the help of several mythical friends - from the Apple Tree Man to a cat called Li'l Pater - she'll have to find a way to untangle herself from the fairy feud before she and her sisters are trapped in their world forever.

Abacus

The Book of Daniel

E. L. Doctorow
Authors:
E. L. Doctorow

FBI agents pay a surprise visit to a Communist man and his wife in their New York apartment, and after a trial that divides the country, the couple are sent to the electric chair for treason. Decades later, in 1967, their son Daniel struggles to understand the tragedy of their lives. But while he is tormented by his past and trying to appreciate his own wife and son, Daniel is also haunted, like millions of others, by the need to come to terms with a country destroying itself in the Vietnam War. A stunning fictionalization of a political drama that tore the United States apart, The Book of Daniel is an intensely moving tale of political martyrdom and the search for meaning.

Virago

The Bull from the Sea

Mary Renault
Authors:
Mary Renault
Orbit

Fool's Gold: A Sabina Kane Novella

Jaye Wells
Authors:
Jaye Wells
Virago

Kind Are Her Answers

Mary Renault
Authors:
Mary Renault

Kit Anderson is married to Janet, a beautiful but narcissistic woman who seems more shallow to him as time goes by. Their relationship has become strained and cold. Immersing himself in his work as a doctor, Anderson takes consolation in his career. Then, one night he is called out to a dying patient, and meets Christie, who is taking care of her aunt. Warm and vivacious, Christie stands in stark contrast to Janet, providing the passion and intimacy that has been missing from his life.How long can their affair be kept secret and does Kit want what is best for Christie, or only for himself? In this assured, vivid novel, Mary Renault showcases the talents that would make her one of the twentieth century's most beloved novelists.

Little, Brown Young Readers US

Revenge of the Dinotrux

Chris Gall
Authors:
Chris Gall

THE DINOTRUX ARE BACK... AND LOOKING FOR A SNACK!Millions of years ago, DINOTRUX ruled the earth. But in the present day, people rule them! Their rusty fossils have spent decades stuck in a drafty museum surrounded by screaming kids, and now they're ready to break out and let off some really old steam.HONNNK!!! DINOTRUX ARE ON THE LOOSE!Garbageadon eats cars, Craneosaurus peeks in windows, and Tyrannosaurus Trux climbs a skyscraper... Who will win the mighty standoff between man and prehistoric beast? Find out in this rip-roaring sequel to Chris Gall's highly praised Dinotrux, featuring all your favorite trux and some never-before-seen ones!

Little, Brown Young Readers US

Dinotrux

Chris Gall
Authors:
Chris Gall

Millions of years ago, DINOTRUX ruled the earth!These mighty part-truck, part-dino demolition dynamos rumbled, plowed and bulldozed their way through the centuries. From the nosy Craneosaurus and hungry Garbageadon to the bully of the jungle, Tyrannosaurus Trux, Chris Gall guides you on a safari through the wild world of these mechanical monsters of prehistoric times. Feast your eyes upon these mighty mobile creatures that once ruled the earth, but now only rule the highways. Buckle up for the ride - you'll never look at Dad's rusty old pickup the same way again! What happened to the Dinotrux? Find out in a fold-out gatefold detailing their evolution!

Virago

Jamaica Inn

Daphne Du Maurier
Authors:
Daphne Du Maurier

After the death of her mother, Mary Yellan crosses the windswept Cornish moors to Jamaica Inn, the home of her Aunt Patience. There she finds Patience a changed woman, downtrodden by her domineering, vicious husband Joss Merlyn. The inn is a front for a lawless gang of criminals, and Mary is unwillingly dragged into their dangerous world of smuggling and murder. Before long she will be forced to cross her own moral line to save herself.