We know, Valentine’s Day is depressing. Sitting there with absolutely no deliveries, while all the other girls have half of Kew Gardens on their desks and can’t even see their computers for all the blooms.

First, cheer yourself up by scanning the tabloids for details of break-ups or love rats to remind yourself that love can go wrong. If you can’t find anything there just Google Darren Day or Brad Pitt. Then, distract yourself from everyone else’s smug little love bliss bubbles by getting your own back and sending some flowers to yourself. Arrange for these to arrive two weeks after Valentine’s Day. This will look like your mystery lover sends you flowers at random just because they are maddeningly in love with ravishing you. An added advantage is that everyone else’s Valentine’s flowers will be dead by then.

Make sure that the message sounds secret and mysterious. Include a foreign phrase or American spelling to hint at an exotic overseas lover – perfect example: ‘Red roses, your favorite color, remember?’ or, ‘Red roses for a perfect English rose, remember?’ If no one picks up on it, you can point out that the sender can’t even spell. Someone is bound to work it out eventually. Make sure it is a morning delivery to maximise on a whole day of speculation as you examine the message, saying, ‘Oh my God, it isn’t even Valentine’s Day – who on earth could these be from? When did I wear red, and what did I say?’ By 5 p.m. start strutting around with a secret smirky smile playing on your lips. This will convince all the busybodies in the entire office that you have identified the sender. As you sweep out, casually ask if LA is ten hours in front or behind.

This will create the illusion of you as a woman who is being chased by new bloom-bearing suitors. The one thing that makes smug flowered-up married types jealous is women who get to choose new lovers. Especially as, let’s face it, most of them probably stopped doing it years ago.

Checklist

* Do not nip home early on Valentine’s Day to nick flowers off the doorstep of any neighbours who have not arrived home in time to pick up their beautiful bouquets. (Unless they’re very, very late in which case they’re clearly not that bothered so you may as well have them.)

* Do take the behaviour of the smug couples gracefully. Don’t make vomiting noises or wear a black armband or start crying. Do not ‘accidentally’ deadhead all the other people’s bouquets when they go out to lunch. This is bad.

* It is also completely unacceptable to take flowers from hospital patients or graveyards. Even if you are in a really foul mood.

* Our TV gardener points out that a single drop of weed-killer in the vases will make sure the flowers last less than twenty-four hours. But only do it if they’re being unbearable.

* It won’t be long before your real-life fabulous lover emerges. But until that point you will go through some low points as a singleton. It is hard but remember you’re not alone. At least you don’t have to pretend you like their cr*p gifts. Tara once made the mistake of telling a prince she liked the pancakes in Plaza Athénée in Paris. Two were hand delivered every day for the next three months until she eventually emigrated in despair.