Love Rats Beware

Lucy Dawson, author of the sensational His Other Lover, reveals the top ten ways to spot a cheat . . .

1. He normally wears manky pants? Hasn’t bought his own for years? If he suddenly pops out – pardon the expression – and buys himself some crisp Calvins, alarm bells should be ringing.

2. Two phones is suspicious – but explainable. Two sim cards . . . one of which is pay as you go? Unless he’s a secret agent – he has a secret.

3.  ‘Maria said that at work . . .’, ‘Oh, Maria told me a really funny story . . .’, ‘Maria’s got a cousin who lives in New York . . .’ Easy to dismiss as random boring guff from your beloved when it is in fact mentionitis. You do indeed need the answer to how do you solve a problem like Maria?

4. His friend’s girlfriends keep giving you pitying looks and asking you in concerned tones if you are OK, and just to call if you need anything . . .

5. You find a hotel receipt and challenge him. He holds his hands up and says ‘OK, OK – you got me. I test hotel mattresses on the side to supplement my wages. I was going to take you to Bora Bora with the money I made. You’ve ruined the surprise, I hope you’re happy.’ The bigger the cheat the more implausible the excuse.

6. He’s got bite marks on his ass and scratch marks on his back. Turns out he went running (he hasn’t done that since 1985, the Reeboks he wore then would now be considered retro). The poor thing apparently got chased by a big scary dog, had to run away really fast and jump into a bed of brambles to escape. And the lovebite? ‘Er, the dog felt bad about it afterwards and tried to kiss me better.’ Yeah, she did.

7. He’s had a back wax. And trimmed . . . we’re not talking his sideburns.

8. You accompany him to a work do and someone says brightly, ‘You must be Christa.’ You say, ‘No, I’m Mary.’ They say, ‘Oh, you must be his new girlfriend.’ You say, ‘No, I’ve been with him for three years.’ They begin to say, confused, ‘But I met Christa at . . .’, but before they can finish, their colleague swiftly kicks them, hands you a glass of wine and says, ‘So, you came by car? M25 is a bitch on Friday nights isn’t it?’ while leading you away.

9. He thinks you look so tired you need a weekend spa break with the girls . . . and he’ll pay. He doesn’t know how he’ll manage without you, stuck in the house all alone, but he’ll try . . .

10. He goes on a team building trip to Inverness – comes back with a tan deeper than Des O’Connor humming ‘Girl from Ipanena’ under his very minty breath.

Posted 14/03/2008 15:29:47 by Lucy Dawson with 1 comments.