Glad Tidings

Yes, it’s finally happened: Gladiators is well and truly back on our screens in all its spandex glory. Gone are Hunter, Cobra and Wolf (sob) – in their places are Atlas (lots of hair), Spartan (lots of pouting) and Oblivion (lots of tantrums). And it begs the all-important question: if we were gladiators, what would we be called and why? (Well, it doesn’t really beg the question, but we wanted to answer it anyway.)

‘Eraser. Deadly, when working in pencil. I would have a helmet with a huge rubber on top and would head-butt people in the stomach with it. But I’d be meticulously neat and help them up afterwards, then put the mats away in a cupboard’

‘I’d be Indecisive. The gladiator who confounds expectations through an inability to make decisions. Swing at me across those hoops and I’ll change direction completely. Or will I? Yes, I will. Will I? No, maybe not. Oh all right then, I will. Now I’ve fallen off’

‘Dominator – you won’t be able to get a word in edgeways when you’re up against my deadly mouth. The games would be word games but the other person just doesn’t get a chance to answer. The more frustrated they get the more points are deducted. I’d crush something with my hands for the move, whilst shouting’

‘My gladiator name would be Indomitable. I knew that duelling housemates with pugil sticks at university summer balls would absolutely come in handy one day! (And yes, pugil sticks are apparently what those giant cotton-bud things are! http://www.gladiatorszone.co.uk/events)’

‘Be ready for Sloth! Once you’ve disturbed this beast, she’ll come slowly after you.  My move would be arms up, as if hanging and asleep and then suddenly waking up, looking mean’

‘As a lifelong Gladiators fan I’d always fancied myself as Star . . . the uber-glam but tough as nails ‘Rising Star’, who would use the trampette to do one hell of a star jump to take down opponents. It also lends itself nicely to the ‘Fallen Star’ headlines that would follow my inevitable fall from grace, as I’m snapped tumbling out of Boujis on the arm of a second division footballer’ 

‘Mine would be Terror-Daktyl, and I would wear a nice dinosaur-coloured leotard and skywalk and swoop at my opponents in a mantis-like position, fake fangs bared. My theme tune would be Dinosaur by King Crimson’
 
‘Heat. Just because I’d want to say, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Not that there’s a Gladiators game set in a kitchen. Hmm, there’s an idea. Cookie-eating competition, anyone . . .?’

‘Flunkus Moritati. I would wear a long, black trench coat, rather Goth-like and very evil looking. I’d swagger into the ring to Bjork’s Play Dead, then collapse, start twitching, then stop . . . My opponent would come in to check on me, then I would quickly dispatch them. Not sure if this would work unless my move was a secret – shall I rethink? Mmm . . . Not sure about the combo of tune and swagger either, it’s all sounding very catwalk now’

Posted 17/06/2008 11:47:54 by The Between the Sheets team with 0 comments.