In Our Dreams / Stuff of Nightmares

What's got the Between the Sheets team in a tizzy in the New Year..? 
 

IN OUR DREAMS

Graham Stanier, Jeremy Kyle's Director of Aftercare. Man's a genius.

Masterchef. 'Cooking does not get any BIGGER than this!' Welcome back Gregg Wallace, you cheeky little bald chappy, you. We live to see you elegantly gulp down a mouthful of chocolate fondant, give a shy grin and say 'I would happily lick that plate clean.' I like to pretend I'm watching the show to further myself as a cook, but really it's to smirk when someone burns a pork chop or roll my eyes at a too-crumbly tomato tart. 'Amateurs!' I snort, as I wolf down some Pasta 'n' Sauce.

Gary Barlow's chin: we're sure he's had a chin implant. It was never that sexy in 1998 but, regardless, yes, please, Mr Barlow. Yes. Please.

Curry: central heating – for slobs! But if you make your own, with the trusty help of Gordon or Jamie, you can feel smug and well-nourished, as well as full and spicy. Mmmm. It's tikka-ing all our boxes. Korma blimey!

The new Galaxy bar with bits of cookie in it. Chocolate meets biscuit meets that cookie-dough flavour of ice cream. Mmm.

Leon smoothies. Feel healthy and virtuous in one fell swoop – and beat the lurgy!

The final Lord of the Rings film (watched again last night). Almost too much to bear at the end – it was like dabbing your eyes underwater. Frodo and Sam get us every time: 'I can't carry it for you, Mr Frodo. But I can carry you!' Wah.

STUFF OF NIGHTMARES

Economic crisis: forget the international debts, the mortgage problems, the credit crunch schmedit crunch. Who the blummin' hell let Woolies drop off the face of the high street? I am now completely at a loss what to do when I need a light bulb, a Dolly Parton CD and a can of Sprite at the same time. And the sweets. Don't get me started on the sweets. Gordon Brown, I don't know how you sleep at night. Chuh!

The winter lurgy that won't go away however much nose-blowing and Echinacea-chowing you do. What's that been now, three weeks? The only thing for it is a sunny climate. One-way ticket to the Maldives, please ...

Dancing on Ice – no matter how many spangles you throw at Melinda Messenger, Strictly Come Dancing it ain't. And, excuse me, but doesn't Ray Quinn look like a 75% scaled-down version of Gareth Gates, who was in it last year anyway? I was on the point of adjusting my television set ...

Earrings-hat-hair tangles – the winter wind is a cruel mistress. Especially when it blows our dos all over the shop and lets our artfully long and dangly earrings get caught painfully in our floppy and artfully arranged straggly lengths of hair. Ouch. And brrrrrrr.

Posted 23/01/2009 14:48:29 by Darren Turpin with 1 comments.