There's still some chance you are a changeling elf

Christopher Moore's guide to dispatching zombies and avoiding botulism

1) What is your favourite Christmas memory?

My father was a policeman, and he often worked until midnight on holidays. So Christmas night, when I was very little, perhaps five, I stayed up very late because I was very excited about the arrival of Santa Claus (Father Christmas to you lot.) My father knew I would never go to sleep until Father Christmas came, so when he arrived home, but before he came into the house, he fired his police revolver into the ground, and when he came through the door he said, "Chris, it's okay, you can go to bed now. I saw Santa Claus up on the roof trying to get down our chimney so I shot him."

I cried and cried. My father had a somewhat macabre sense of humor.

2) Worst present you’ve ever given or received?

One year a woman I was dating -- or more precisely, had stopped dating, showed up at my apartment very late with a Christmas present in hand. I couldn't turn her away, could I? I'd been sleeping and insisted she come in and wait while I got dressed. In a panic, I went into the bedroom, pulled a horrid photograph of a rose off the wall, and hastily gift-wrapped it. I didn't want to be caught without a gift for her. Anyway, she'd wrapped a small box of high-protein cookies (biscuits to you lot), mainly as an excuse for dropping by in the middle of the night. When I gave her the photo, she immediately recognized it as coming from the wall in my bedroom.  Short of having Father Christmas shot off the roof, it was the worst Christmas ever.

3) What are your plans for this Christmas?

I'll be writing. Nothing exciting. My wife-like girlfriend and I will stay here in San Francisco. I may go for a walk down to Chinatown to see if there is some weird shit being perpetrated for the holiday there, but otherwise it will be a low-key work day.

4) Are you giving any books this Christmas?

Of course, I'll be giving everyone I meet a copy of The Stupidest Angel. There's hardly any point in being an author if you can't gift the books you write (and receive for free.) And honestly, there's a leather-bound, gold leaf, bibly edition of Lamb out this year in the States and people actually have hinted they'd like a copy. (Yes, bibly is a word, shut up.)

5) What book would you most like to receive this Christmas?

Hmmmm, an original folio of Shakespeare's plays. Or, the OED on disc. Not strictly a book, but it would be handy for this writing thing I do.

6) Any tips for surviving the festive period?

Well, remember, the only effective way to dispatch a zombie is by disconnecting his brainstem from his body. A shotgun is preferable to an axe, but either will do. Some garland on either will enhance the holiday nature of the deed. Oh, and be careful to tightly seal left-overs. Nothing puts a damper on Christmas cheer quite like a case of botulism from eating foetid goose bits. And if you have any tranquilizers or muscle relaxants, a handful or two washed down with brandy will take the edge off those family tensions. Remember, there's still some chance that you are a changeling elf princess/prince and these wankers aren't really related to you.

Posted 06/12/2007 11:31:51 by Christopher Moore with 0 comments.